It All Comes Down to Trust

Again I'm worrying. There are decisions to be made, is my son over his pneumonia, my friend's hubby is job hunting, what sorts of things can we do to enjoy time with my FIL, my health, meal planning, etc. A still and small voice whispers to me, "Do you trust me? Can you let go and let me work? Haven't I always worked everything out?"
Yes, Lord. You have. Forgive me again. The peace comes to guard my heart and my mind. My breathing slows and I relax. I'll keep praying but I don't have to pray with anxiety. I can pray with trust. 

Camping and Energy

I'm relieved and content. My body is taking a long time to recover from this illness. I'm still healing and will be for some time. I can live with that now. My energy levels are so much better this past week. We went to our yearly campout with our friends. Last year, my body failed me on the last day and I was so sick afterward. This year, I was able to prepare for camp and be at camp and actually help my hubby with the kids and with everything. I have not crashed and still have enough energy to work on the laundry this evening. Last week I couldn't do everything I did this week and I know that things will just keep improving.
I know that I'm feeling better and stronger and have more reserves. I'm interested in sewing with my DD this week. I want to go pick berries. I want to get planning on new lessons and units for my son in home schooling. I'm excited to start piano lessons in a couple of weeks. I want to cook and back and get in and really clean and declutter my home. All these wants are new ones. Before, I was too overwhelmed and tired to even be interested in wanting any of these. Wow!
That said, I know that I only have a limited number of "spoons" in any given day. I will continue to pace myself and use them as needed so that I monitor my health and don't overdo. (I recently read a blog where a woman with a chronic illness likened energy reserves to holding a certain amount of spoons in your hands. The image has stuck with me).
Thanks, Lord, for healing.

My Folks

My parents left today. I'm sad. I was brave and sent them home knowing it was time. I just miss 'em. I was starting to feel better and stronger and ready to play and they had to leave. We're all missing them. With being in the hospital for two weeks, I'm blessed they came to take care of my home and my hubby and my kids. Life ran more smoothly for us all because of their service.
Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad. You are my heroes. I love you!

The "C" Word

Well, it's been an interesting month. I went in for an outpatient laparoscopic procedure which I kind of expected to be an overnight issue. Well, I spiked a fever and had a high heart rate that wouldn't resolve over the course of a day. The nurse called the surgeon in the evening and he ended up calling in a team to do an emergency surgery--they were worried that something had gone wrong with the other surgery. I was in surgery from midnight to 4 am. They found that somehow I had developed a kink in my small intestine (not involved in the first surgery) and part of it was dying. I had to have a resection. Pretty glad that I was in the hospital and they got in so very quickly.
The next day held the miracle and the "C" word. Everything removed from a person in surgery is tested in the lab at this hospital. The pathologist saw suspicious cells on the portion of intestine removed. My doctor came bounding into the room excited because the cancer would never have been found until it was big and a problem. He was thrilled. I was glad but a little worried. I was finally facing one of my worst fears--cancer--the "C" word. I spent my time in the hospital wondering about future tests and such. Last Thursday I finally got to ask more questions. I guess the cells in question weren't cancer. They were those that could become cancer in the future but aren't yet. So, I'm blessed and praising the Lord for the miracle. Bad cells removed before they could affect my health. Cells only found because of a different issue requiring they be removed. Thank-you, Lord. With all I've been through with my health this year, He has chosen to spare me this. I am blessed. I am loved. Hallelujah!

Spoon Theory

A friend recently posted a link to a blog written by a lady with a chronic illness. She was sharing how she learned to explain what it's like to live with one. Her friend was curious so she gathered up all the spoons she could find and handed them to her friend. She told her to count them because it's important to know how many "spoons" you have at any given time. Then, she asked her friend to talk about the daily events of the day starting in the morning. As the friend recounted her different habits and tasks, she took a spoon. Her friend soon learned that even something as simple as just getting up out of bed took energy. Simple things that everyone does regularly take some planning when you have limited "spoons."
I cried when I read it. It explains so closely how I've lived for the last year. If I clean a bathroom, I may not have the energy to cut veggies to make dinner. I'm having another surgery on Tuesday--a revision of the colostomy. I hope it works so I can heal and have my energy back. I want to not have to plan everything so closely. If it doesn't work. I guess this is my new "normal" and I have to get used to it.
Right now, I'm happy that yesterday was a "many spoons day" and I got to tackle some long awaited chores. I went past my spoon amount, though. I knew I was. I did more after dinner. I borrowed from today and I've been tired and draggy all day. OH, well. I'll have plenty of rest time after my surgery.
I just have to ask a favor. Whenever you use a spoon, say a prayer for someone that's ill. The prayers really do make a difference.

Worship Cuddles

Over 11 years ago I became a mom. I held my baby while worshipping in the church service. In her toddler years, I kept cuddling her during worship. When my son was born, I held him and still cuddled my daughter. One Sunday, as I worshipped I realized that holding my children so close was a picture of what God does for us. He holds us close as we worship him. I decided to always try to touch and cuddle my children whenever they hear worship songs—whether they sing with us or not. My daughter is now a pre-teen and I still reach out to hold her hand or give her a hug or put my arm around her. I still often cuddle my 9-year-old son on my lap while praising Jesus. Through this touch, my hope is that when they are older and apart from me they will experience the peaceful feeling of being held in loving arms whenever they hear songs of worship. I pray worship will become a place of wholeness and refuge for their hearts—that they would almost physically feel God’s love. 

Possible Goodbyes?

A friend of mine's husband is looking for a job. So many people are these days. I'm praying for them. He's had several interviews this week and I'm happy for them. I'm sad, too. The interviews are far away. If he's hired, they'll move. My friend and I have talked on the phone almost every day for years. We clean together while chatting. If they move so far away, it will be too expensive to do anymore. We can't drive to visit them. I'm sad and happy at the same time. They're excited at the possibility of the new adventure. I'm excited for them. I just don't want them to go.